Ashes

Blogging has really taken a back seat lately, because frankly, I've been too sad and distracted to really focus on much of anything. I miss Travyss like crazy. It all just makes me angry and sad at the same time; either way, I just end up in tears. I know it will get better in time, I know I'll have my memories, and I know he had a good life with me...but emotion is never governed by logic. Being too sensitive and emotional has always been my downfall. 

Even the little things cause me to break down. If I whistle, I think of Travyss. He had many nicknames, and one that he'd earned was Whistle Police...if you whistled, and he heard you, he would come trotting over, and he would climb up on your lap and sit on your chest to ensure that you didn't whistle anymore. At this point, you were probably laughing too hard to do much of anything anyway. But it was a handy way to wake him up if you wanted him to come over and snuggle with you. And he was a grade A snuggler, at that.  

He was a hefty cat, but his solidness was always comforting. I could rest my head on him when I was sad. I could feel his weight at the bottom of the bed and know he was always there to sleep with us. I could hear him walk into a room before I would even see him.

Sometimes I hear padded footfalls...and realize it's just reverberations from the neighbors upstairs. Sometimes I hear his meow from the other room...and realize it's just an echo of a noise in the distance. 

Francisco brought home his ashes this week, and I can hardly believe that my beautiful boy has been reduced to nothing but ashes. My memories of him are still so vivid. I truly looked forward to sharing as many moments as possible with him. I know one day it will get better. And the memories won't hurt so much. But for right now, I am still just so very sad.